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25 Insanely Funny George Carlin Quotes

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f***** hatreds!

George Carlin is well known for his profoundly funny and provocative quotes and one-liners. His stand up routines have covered everything from politics and religion to relationships and the world around us. And he always had a knack for packaging big ideas into small digestible pieces of humor.

Let’s be honest: the man was whip smart and about as funny as you could get.

In a career that spanned over 50 years, what remained constant was his opinionated nature and take no prisoners approach to comedy. Carlin was always fearless and took pride in never running from conflict. This couldn’t be more evident when he said:

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

He would cover any issue – no matter how contentious – in a way that felt authentic and in line with his personal beliefs.

It was this attitude that earned him 14 HBO specials, 4 Grammy’s, number 2 on Comedy Central’s 100 best comedians list and a legion of fans around the world.

Our views are no different: the man was a legend. And in addition to keeping us entertained, his material inspired us to question the world around us and to believe in our opinions despite how unpopular they might be. It’s been 5 years since his passing, and the world still feels a little emptier without him.

This post is not only a celebration to everything he stood for, but a reminder that some of the most powerful messages we receive in life can come from the most unlikely places.

Below are the absolute best quotes we could find from this legendary comedian’s career.

Long live the king.

25 Insanely Funny George Carlin Quotes


1. On Comedy:

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”


2. On The Meaning Of Life:

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

3. On Freedom:

“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

4. On Drinking:

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

5. On Addiction:

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

6. On Conflict:

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

7. On Winning:

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”



8. On Religion:

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

9. On Politics:

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

10. On Rebels:

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

11. On Being Impatient:

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

12. On Human Stupidity:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

13. On Home Ownership:

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

14. On Intelligent Life Elsewhere:

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

15. On The “Great” Outdoors:

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”


16. On Driving:

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

17. On Being Self-Centered:

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

18. On America:

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”

19. On Bathroom Activities:

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

20. On Marriage:

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

21. On The Meaning of Life, Again:

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

22. On God:

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

23. On Careers:

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

24. On Rock & Roll:

“Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.”

25. On Rock & Roll:

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

More funny quotes:

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Do you have any funny or humorous George Carlin quotes we may have missed? Let us know in the comments.

image via:  Mulad

header image: via wikipedia

Written by Quotezine Team

Michelle Quinteros is a pop culture and lifestyle writer with a fancy degree from McMaster University. When she’s not writing for Quotezine, she can be found excessively quoting The Simpsons or binge watching Netflix.

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